PARASITES THE BAND
PARASITES STORY
Once upon a time, in the late 1800's, there was a small Hamlet in the Dutch Alps. This was a particularly bad Hamlet, since it's entire cast was made up of large red mice, and none of the Dutch locals could understand them, as they spoke in English. The largest mouse, Tippy, decided that it would be in everyone's best interest to emigrate, but the other mice didn't know what that word meant, so they all had a big picnic and ate chicken fingers instead. Tippy had had enough and instead of emigrating, she moved. She stowed away on the H.M.S. Pipple Popple, Holland's least dependable supertanker, and fourteen years later scurried down the plank in Bakersfield, CA. After being adopted by a family of Swiss chocolatiers, Tippy found life in Bakersfield to be nothing short of a dream. Tragically, her entire adoptive family was killed in a bizarre caramel spill which left them forever petrified, but mighty tasty. With no where else to go, Tippy headed north to Berkeley, CA and took up residence in a dusty nook in Dave Parasite's apartment. Sixty years later, when the apartment building was built, Tippy jumped for joy, yelling "Squeak, Squeak, Doublesqueak!", loud enough to be heard all across the land . In 1992, Dave Parasite, (having previously dropped the ridiculous pseudonym "Nikki") moved to Berkeley, CA in hopes of finding someone to pretend to enjoy his senseless ramblings. He still hasn't found anyone. Four years later, in 1996, Dave finally bowed to the pressure and decided to vacuum his apartment. The one problem was that he didn't own a vacuum, so he started dialing random numbers and the first one was Dan Cofer. Dan didn't have a vacuum either, but decided to invite Dave over anyway so he could try out some new broccoli jokes from his latest stand up routine. Dave was only interested in vacuuming, so he asked Dan if he had any relatives who might own a vacuum. Dan replied "yes", and asked Dave to leave. Six months later, Dave accidentally called Dan again, and this time Dan consented to give him the phone number of his brother, Scott, who had a monstrous vacuum made entirely of rusted Cadillac parts. Dan couldn't find the number, but he did find Scott's address on top of a dusty old Ludwig drum kit. Dan and Dave drove diligently down dark deserted driveways, dodging dangerous dingoes dutifully defending delightful dwellings, and finally got to Scott's house. He was drunk, but friendly, and kept talking about Rod McKuen's paintings. After a few days of Scott's witty banter, both Dan and Dave convinced him to get the vacuum. Scott found the cast iron marvel next to his bass guitar, which had only two strings on it. Scott then decided they should all go to Dave's apartment and he would vacuum Dave's apartment himself, much to the chagrin of Dan and Dave who loved to vacuum, but were both too drunk off of Scott's fumes to protest. Well, nothing could prepare them for the power of Scott's home made marvel, and soon the apartment had a rosy glow that was startling. Just before Scott left, Dave remembered the dusty nook in the back room, and had Scott plug his amazing vacuum in again. The nook was spotlessly clean in a matter of seconds, but then all three heard an agonized cry coming from the vacuum tank. Scott hurriedly pried the tank open with his trusty pitchfork, and released poor Tippy, who spun in circles across the floor. Dan, Dave, and Scott applauded heartily at their new found friend's performance, but Tippy seemed unaware of their appreciation. Tippy then turned blue, and somehow, found enough strength to utter these final words: "Remember me !" All three felt deeply saddened by their new friend's sudden departure, and it wasn't until the funeral that they found out that Tippy lived to the ripe old age of 126. They remembered Tippy's dying words and did the only thing they could think of to assure that Tippy's life was not in vain, they formed a pop punk band, called it the Parasites, and pledged to continue for 126 years, however that was not to be. Scott decided to pursue his lifelong dream and is now polishing doorknobs 60 hours a week for free. Dan is currently stuck in his house, since the landlord changed the locks without telling him. Which leaves Dave, who may be leaving California soon for a place with better thrift stores. Tune in next week for another exciting installment.
THE END

Who's Dave?