Show Business Is My Life

She Turned Out to Be Crazy

Justine was seventeen, I picked her up on the high-school green
she had a smile, I had a flask, she had a while before her next class
but she turned out to be crazy and she just wouldn't stop
she kept calling me, she kept following me
and her dad was a cop
if I hadn't've gave her my address
it wouldn't've been quite so bad
she turned out to be crazy, I turned out to be mad

Marie said she was twenty-three, but she didn't fool me
she'd stick her tongue in my ear, she'd say "c'mere,
will you buy my friends beer..."
she turned out to be crazy, it all happened so fast
before I knew we were saying "I do"
and now she owns half my ass
if I'd have only been thinking
we could've only got tattooed
she turned out to be crazy, I turned out to be screwed

Eleanor was thirty-four, she had a husband
she didn't want him anymore
she had a plan, she'd get in bed, she'd call him in,
and then I'd hit him on the head
but she turned out to be crazy, though she kept it well hid
and it turns out that to knock a guy out
you gotta hit him harder than I did
now he's pressing charges
they're back together and I'm out of luck
she turned out to be crazy, I turned out to be stuck.

All's not well upon these shores
some indecisive battles, some major wars
I've tried to keep y promises
what have you been doing with yours?

A promise is a thing you say
and a promise makes you feel okay
but I look at my promise and I gotta say:
I made you and I can break you

Things have a way of coming about
first comes knowledge, then comes doubt
you're so close to losing me
and you haven't really figured it out

A promise is a sacred trust
you pray, you promise, you adjust
have faith in my promise if you must

I made you and I can break you

Knock knock. Who's there? Ivan. Ivan who?
I've been thinking about the way it was before you threw me out
I've been lost and lonely and I've had a lot to think about
and I think I'd rather suffer from within than do without--
please let me in

Knock knock. Who's there? Yuri. Yuri who?
You remember all the screwy people that you used to know
all the places they invited us that I refused to go
I've decided that I'll let you drag me everywhere and so--
please let me in

How many blondes does it take
to make me recall all that's at stake?
two: one to remind me of you, two to remind me of you, too.

Knock knock. Who's there? Dwayne. Dwayne who?
The rain is falling down on me, I'm freezing in the cold
and I'm sorry for the fast ones that you always say I pulled
hurry up and let me prove it now before we get too old--
please let me in

Knock knock. Who's there? Sandy. Sandy who?
San Diego and Los Angeles could fall into the sea
but I'd really love the feeling of you falling into me
is a natural disaster what it takes to make you see?
please let me in

A ball and chain can be a crutch
who would have thought I would miss it so much?

So if you're looking for a reason baby please consider these:
I will kiss your hands and hold your lips and get down on your knees
give you anything you want if you just give me back my keys--
please let me in.

Here I am once again
where we left off, where I come in
you're half-asleep to underscore
that you're the one it's over for
I'm up drinking scotch on suicide watch

I can see your shifty eyes
those 51-50 eyes
they'll never know, we'll never learn
it's ever so, forever turn
the pressure up a notch on suicide watch

I've been here before
it's the only time I ever see you any more
you're so good at this routine
and I'm a suicide watch machine
it's nice to spend this time with you
I know we'll do it again in a month or two
when I get called in on a suicide watch again

ah na na... suicide watch

I'm not much of a safety net
well what did you expect to get
when all I have to give to you
is to 51-50 you
and try not to botch another suicide watch

ah na na... suicide watch

It's not the poisoned memories, the Lifetime Channel tragedies,
it's not the sorrows that all these instill in me
it's not the heartless things you said
that keep running through my head
it's not the wishing I was dead
that's killing me
it's lying on the floor, hanging on the door
this mess, that dress, this pen
that's neer gonna write another note to you again

now I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall
in this gloomy dream that used to seem so beautiful

a thousand thoughts, a thousand plots
a thousand pardons
bitter homes and gardens
bitter homes and gardens

it's lying on the ground, and flying all around
all that happened here
just evidence for arguments I lose agains the mirror

this is far beyond my abilities
I'm never sure and always slightly ill at ease

a thousand thoughts
a heart that rots, a heart that hardens
bitter homes and gardens
bitter homes and gardens

She can pick a pony she can shake and bake a chicken leg
she's, like, smoking and sitting on a powder keg
so I'm out standing in the fog
calling for her cat while I'm walking her dog
peel her bark, feel her bite
she my baby, she all right

We were gonna do it and I knew it and she knew it too
I know what I'm doing and I know the one to do it to
here she comes now ain't she cute
all dressed up like a prostitute
look at her, look at me
she all right, she my baby

everybody thinking she's too good for me
people looking uder her hood for me
it's all right I got it we're all set
and if there's a disagreement among the participants
we don't care as long as I can handle her instruments
got an invitation to jump over her net

I'm gonna make a statement and she's gonna take it down
then she's gonna ride her bike and pedal it all over town
most extreme I've ever seen
wide open space if you know what I mean
tight comes loose, loose gets tight
she my baby, she all right

You want to know why because everybody does
but it never seems to work out for us
all anyone ever knows is it's not all roses
and it seems like it never was
you want to know how this could be
but don't look at me
cause I don't know why I do waht I do
when it comes to you
don't ask me, ask Beth

I'll try to change myself for you cause I adore you
but it's looking like it's too late
and passive-aggressors and sloppy dressers
all build up the pressures you hate
I'd explain it all to you
and I'm trying to
but there's no way I can say
everything that's wrong in my world today
don't ask me, ask Beth

Ask Beth, maybe she can tell you
why we can never get anything right
ask Beth if she knows why time just goes by
and we're both crying tonight
ask Beth

These are the best years of our lives
and if one of us survives
he or she will refer to how wonderful they were
but for now I just don't know

why are we in agony?
will you please stop asking me
ask Beth

It's a great big world, but all I want is you
this great big world won't leave us alone
no matter what we do
just look at how our lives are spent
loneliness and discontent
crying in the dark of night
but now I'm seeing the light
just think how it oculd be
no one else but you and me
alone together, all right

you and me in isolation at an undisclosed location
no aggravation, no frustration
population:us.

Everywhere we go, the world gets in our way
I guess the world is here to stay
but that doesn't make it right
and I'm not afraid to fight
for my beliefs and assorted aperitifs
cause baby we could have it all
it neither of us drops the ball
far away behind a wall

destination:consummation
systems go in preparation
for Operation Gratification
population:us.

I hate people. They're not like you and me.
I don't need the competition
and I don't like the number three.

I know once we did love them
but now we must get rid of them
they serve no purpose here you see
except maybe bringing us our tea
but if you agree I'll do without
that's what love is all about

there's only one way I can see
how to get from A to B
it's true you gotta start with A
but baby B's not far away
if that's somewhere you think you've been
just wait'll my love kicks in
we'll be on our way

conversation, exploration, manipulation, stimulation,
penetration, consummation, procreation, domestication
population:us

If you saw me late last night
having trouble acting right
holding my beer glass too tight
cursing everything in sight
it's all right, I'm sure you knew
I was only thinking of you

If you've noticed me these days
always staring into space
tears running down my face
stuttering when I say grace
it's all wrong, but it's all true
I was only thinking of you

thinking of you used to be
the only thing that got me by
but things have changed
now thinking of you makes me cry

but it's all right, cause when I do
I'm only thinking of you

My heart belongs to whom it may concern
and I suppose it's got a lot to learn
but my baby walks my baby talks
she says mama and daddy and she's been around the block
she's such a fox a fox she stops all the clocks
with her tube tops and those little white socks
I'm here to stake my claim:
I'm in love with what's-her-name

Each day and night I thank the lord above
for sending me a what's-her-name to love
and what's-her-name can't get enough
when we do those things
and especially when we do that stuff
it's fun to be young and dumb
and what's-her-name's the only one
burning like a duraflame:
I'm in love with what's-her-name

I'm in love with what's-her-name
no one's quite the same as what's-her-name

I swear I won't let anyone lay a hand on her
I won't beat her up and I won't abandon her
I won't steal her money and I won't make fun of her
cause there's really only one of her now

and now the future's door is open wide
and what's-her-name will be my bride
the world is ours to confuse
so we'll spend hours cultivating controversial views
and if a snag should occur
she's got me and I've got her
I'm mounted in her frame
and I'm in love with what's-her-name

I'm in love with what's-her-name
no one's quite the same like what's-her-name

It's been awhile, and looking back
I keep losing track of how long it's been
and who left who again, and since when
the little hand is on the one
and I have just begun to suck on a lime
and start learning to tell time

I started feeling low a beer ago
and in about a gin and tonic or two
I'll be a blue hawaiin away from crying for you

Two martinis from now it won't matter much anyhow
I started to overflow two martinis ago

I couldn't last one gimlet more
but I've still got time for a sob and a sigh
and one more whisky and rye just went by
the little hand is on the two
I wonder what I'll do if it gets to three
how many teardrops will that be?

I bow my head and pray to be ok
and in a half a manhattan or so
I'll have two our fathers and one bloody mary to go

Two martinis hence it might start to make some sense
I unsealed my fate one fifth of bourbon too late

the little hand is on the three
how many teardrops will it be
till I collapse and your memory's under wraps?

there's so much getting through to catch up to
I'm still four white russians behind
I feel a Jim Beam shining on me
I might be losing my mind

In a teardrop or two it'll be time to get over you
and I'll figure out just how two martinis from now

I don't know why but somehow there came to be
across my heart and on everything I see
upon the earth and deep inside of me
a sad, sad shadow

It's not the way it's supposed to be I guess
but I can't imagine otherwise I must confess
tell me why I'm so full of emptiness
and sad, sad shadow

It's a secret I know I'll never find
for what purpose am I so designed
and what has cast across my heart and mind
this sad, sad shadow

You were my life to some extent
my little world and all it meant
my only eyes to see it through
but what could I have seen in you?

This isn't about you anymore
you may have been what it was about before
but I gave it some thought
it turns out it's not
I think it's gonna help a lot
Now everything I went through with you
doesn't have anything to do with you
though your spirit lives on
in damage that you have done
there's a big fat hole in my heart
and you know that you played a part
but now I don't intend to make it a trend
it's not about you anymore

I imagine that somehow
far away from here and now
thoughts of you might ring some bells
when I'm sad for something else

This isn't about you anymore
I don't remember what you were in it for
oh yes I do, you were just passing through
unnecessary and untrue
once it was fresh but now it's stale
this tedious and pathetic tale
of regret and chagrin, you were the heroine
now you're a footnote to somebody else's footnote
in a book no one ever wrote
I'll give you a hint: you're out of print
it's not about you anymore

and so my friend, I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go
that's right: you're fired
your participation in this psychodrama is no longer required

your legacy though will never fade
for all the contributions you have made
wrecking my peace of mind was some of your finest work
will you still be so proud of it
now I've written you out of it
you once were the star, now I don't know what you are
but it's not about you anymore